Monday, October 6, 2008

Sending stuff to our house

Anyone else get this crap? Maybe it's one of my hang-ups from days gone by that I just need to get over?

Jabber came home from TW's house with a heat pad/massager for his bed. It looks like it's supposed to be for a large chair, but he's using it for his bed. That and he brought back the shorts that I sent with him that she bought for him and he's not wearing anymore this season. He has a lot of crap that he doesn't take care of and I know it's kind of a boy thing, but why should we be the one to have to deal with his excess? I can deal with the shorts because it's clothes and seasonal stuff just gets dealt with. This massager thing? If she wants to buy him stuff for her house then I don't have anything to say about that, but whoTF does she think she is supplying him with crap for our house? If we wanted him to have something like that doesn't she think we'd have gotten him one? I swear it's just her way of trying to be in control.

I know that I have a thing about this. When Charming and Glory were younger there was a 2+ year period when their father didn't pay support. He knew that I was living 'in the system' and because he 'had to struggle so much' he somehow decided that we didn't need it more than him. By a year into it we were accunulating quite a bit of debt because that's the only way that we were able to make up for it. He worked under the table because he could find work like that sporadically and he somehow made it work. (I know that Sparkle was actually taking care of the big stuff and he's SO lucky she loved him and covered for his ass!)

Along the way he started to send a couple small things to my house. It got so that he would send some food after awhile and it was shit that I didn't buy for my kids. The sugary cereals, donuts, chips and other junk food. Not that I never bought any of that, but it started to tick me off that he could send food but he couldn't pay his support and then I could handle my business at MY house. This was absolutely one of those ways that he tried to control things at my house. One day when he sent a box of food home with them I grabbed the box off the table, brought it downstairs and then opened the back of his car and put the box in it. I had told him (not just through the kids) that I didn't want him sending food to my house anymore. The whole thing blew up.

He followed me upstairs to the apartment, busted in through my closed back door and then threatened to kill me. There was a lot of shouting and him pushing against the door with me trying to close it. Yes, with my son right in the next room. I got a restraining order. I never thought he'd be physically dangerous before that, but I never would have thought he'd have done THAT, so who knows how much further he'd go?

Tell me please, are there things that your BM does to try to be controlling at your house? Am I nuts or should she keep this crap at HER house?


dragonmctt said...

We had to address this issue with our BM too. The boys would bring home electronic things, and we were having enough trouble making sure they took care of the things we bought them. DH told her that we would in no way be responsible for anything they brought home...she stopped sending them. We also discussed it with the boys when they wanted to bring their iPods, or games over to BM's house on the weekend. We told them she was not responsible for their things, and if they forgot it, oh, well, they'd have to wait 2 weeks to see it again, because we were not driving over to get it, and if they broke it/lost it over there, we would not be replacing it. SS1 left his iPod over there once, and after he brought it home the next time, never brought it over there again. The only thing BM has really ever sent over to our house herself was some school supplies, one year (out of 8), and she didn't even bother to find out what was on the list, and only the pencils were on the list. Everything else was sent back for them to use at her house. Seriously, if you are going to go to the trouble of buying something, wouldn't you make sure it was the right thing?

Have the other kids said anything about the back massager? Did they want one too? Is Jabber her favorite? If you get any vibe about that, I would send it back. If the other kids don't seem to care, then I'd just let her know you guys aren't going to be responsible for it.

As far as the control issues, she does little things like keep them on the phone after their bedtime, bring them home late/pick them up late, make a two week drama about what the next visit will be like, start asking them what they want for Christmas in August. Our BM is more of a verbal controller than a physical one. She gets her kicks out of manipulation, bad mouthing, lying, and calling "authorities" of all types. Sadly, it has always been about her controlling DH, the kids are a mere afterthought.

Medea said...

It is a legitimate issue, especially if you're strapped for space - but maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was SS that insisted on bringing it over.

When my partner and I moved in together, his kids brought a big pile of stuff to leave in their room. It was a bit weird and it did sort of feel as though someone else was inching into my house, but I'm getting used to it. I tell myself that if it makes them feel more at home here and less inclined to play up, then it's all good.

Plus the more they bring, the less I have to buy.

Best of luck tackling it.

Mimi said...

Thanks for commenting here ladies!!! dragonmctt--It really probably was more of a thing that SS wanted, but it tweaks me that she doesn't belong making choices or decisions for our house. I wonder if the stupid thing is saving us money on electricity though, since he keeps it on at night! We really don't speak to her, so there's not telling her anything until some sh*t hits the fan and then Daddy will unload everything that has been piling up!

Medea--You are too cute! Daddy says the same thing about it being less stuff he has to buy! And TW is more about seeing what she can do to manipulate Daddy here or make him be the bad guy because he really gives in a lot when they have to suffer because of her choices. Things like her refusing to drive the kids home 6 whole miles, so he goes to get them because they are in tears at her house.

Yeah, the kids don't care or seem to think that it's a big thing about the massager. I really would like to think of something that we can send to her house, just to see if she gets the frikkin hint. LOL, some homemade bread (she's done that too) or a poster for the wall so she'd have to see it there every day!

dragonmctt said...

How about nice, big family photo, so the kids can think of you guys while they are over there? Hee Hee!

Mimi said...

LOL! I've tried that! It came home with Jabber in his pack and I kept it in there for awhile.

TW also like to call when she knows they don't have phone privileges because of grades or something. They eat it up because it's the only way they'd get to use the phone. You know, like they are so deprived the rest of the time!

Thankfully the one thing she has never done is to call authorities on stuff, although I'm sure that she is the one that told them that I have NO right to discipline them in any way, shape or form.