Thursday, June 12, 2008

Big time fun?

Here we are at the beginning of the summer. The other night I dropped it on Daddy that this year I'd like to take Daisy to the local HUGE amusement park. She's old enough to ride on the kiddie rides and I think she'd have a blast and be fun to watch! He basically nodded. Wait. Then it hit him, and he had to take it one step further.

"You know that we'd have to bring the other ones too, right?" Right as in you know and it IS what will happen, not as in what do you think?

I don't want to go anymore. I'm not trying to be mean and selfish. Okay maybe a little selfish, but I would like to enjoy myself and that would definitely put a whole new spin on things.

You've got to have some history for this part. Mystery and Jabber spend every weekend with TWrecks. Every weekend unless Mystery is arguing with her and probably not getting something the way that she wants. It started when Daisy was about 8 months old and it seemed at the time like a gradual thing. Glory was still living here (and in high school, sharing a room with Mystery) and they were really not speaking to each other at that point. I don't mean that they didn't have anything to say, but they both knew that if they started speaking the were going to either blow up or vomit on the other one voluntarily. This was also before we got Jabber's ADHD identified and diagnosed. He was talking circles around everyone, every minute, repeating everything and in trouble at least twice a week for something at school.

So, having them go to her house was a bit of relief at first. Whew!! Glory was doing things with friends or working, so she was 'hit & run' around here. No problem there! When she was at home she was very interested in interacting with baby Daisy, which was wonderful for me and gave me some break from being her sole caretaker. (Daddy is a good Daddy but since she was still nursing and had been through her earlier pertussis issues we had become accustomed to her always being with me.) Basically though, it's just been the three of us here on weekends.

Somewhere after the year mark things started changing even more. I realized how much they had changed when they were at home with us. Heck they live here, but Jabber would sat that he lived at TWrecks too! Oh no!!! Add to it that he especially decided that he didn't have to listen to me, respond to me or consider me as just about anything to him. Except maybe his jailer and the person to be avoided at all costs? This was one of the years that he spent more time in trouble than out. He got very familiar with his own bedroom and eventually the family room downstairs where all the books are. Not that he willingly opened more than three of them there. After three we ran out of C@lvin and H0bbs.

After talking to Daddy about it I got him to agree that they needed to stay home at least one weekend a month, since he wasn't up to EOW. He told them it was because HE misses them, not because we're falling apart as a family. He did also mention that OUR family is important. They still resisted, moaned, and tried to convince him that they had 'things to do' there, but for almost a year they basically did stay for one weekend. Jabber stopped going each weekend when his football season started because WE take him, TWrecks does not. (She's not interested in football. Ahem!! Whatever.)

I should add also just in case it's not crystal clear that they don't want to stay here on the weekends. She wants to be there where she can yell at her mother as a standard manner of speaking, be the 'chosen child' who is favored over Jabber because she doesn't have ADHD characteristics and he has worn them down, and to have unfettered internet access. Oh yeah, and permission to go to teen parties and events as long as TWrecks doesn't have to provide transportation. She has stayed home with us a couple of times for one of the nights because she needed a ride. Jabber wants to go because Mystery goes. He doesn't want to be left out and OF COURSE he wants TWrecks' love and attention. If he doesn't go then she might favor and spoil Mystery even more and that's just not something that he's willing to lose. I can't say that I blame him for that.

I've been so tired of the battles with Mystery that I just don't want her here though. Yes, I know that it's selfish but as you learn more about her you will more than likely understand. Basically let me say that the last two times that she's decided that she would stand up to me or I have decided that I'm not taking her $hit that we could have ended up with police involvement. It only happens when Daddy isn't here, and she begins to think that she is the adult and that she should impress that on me. She's also sure that she can pick up a phone and call 9-1-1 for abuse in a hot second. I NEVER put up with as much $hit from anyone in my life as I do from her. My birth kids wouldn't even try. Daddy knows that I wouldn't be here if he treated me like she does and the only reason I am here for any of this experience is him.

This reminds me that there is so much catching up of background info here! (So many experiences!) I do miss Jabber not being around more and it's nice when he is doing sports so he 'has to' stay. Especially since we've gotten him diagnosed, and when we're at a point with meds where he is showing improvements his very best side always shines! He has them and he always has but age appropriately hasn't always known how and when to let them out in between frustration and his ADHD stuff. I'm so glad that we are on a better track now, and it's just so very nice to know that he 'gets' some things now that he didn't before.

But Mystery? No, it feels like there was an expiration date on being effective with her and we missed it. I don't blame her entirely for it because a 5 year old girl that has her mother leave her behind and having so very little contact for so long has got to suck bigtime. TWrecks called them for a few minutes a couple times a week and would come take them every month or two for an hour or so to go to McDon@lds in the first 3 or 4 years. No $hit! Love the consistency? Not.

Every time they would tell her that they wanted to come and see her or do something with her she would tell them that she had a nail appointment, had to go grocery shopping, or was going somewhere with her BF. Basically she couldn't be bothered but would say that she wanted to spend time doing important things with them and since she had to do those other things that she wouldn't be able to have quality time. Of course she's basically not Mommy material and the best thing that she probably ever did was to leave them and not have that much worse of an effect on their lives at that time.

Simply put I don't enjoy being around Mystery. The last several family things that we've done together always leave me wanting to say "NEVER again!!" Let's just say it's all about her. Yes, you can say that about a lot of kids, but I've never experienced it at this level firsthand and it's a shock to my system.

I don't want to go to the park where they will want to play every game ($$), eat and drink maybe half of what is bought and then ask for the next thing. Complain about the heat, complain about being wet, and complain about the wind blowing for pete's sake! Wait... I meant whine! Between that and that along the way they both have adapted to a way of speaking where they almost have to use sarcastic humor (my opinion, that is NOT humor!) as a means of communicating. Her use of this is especially refined because of her age and experiences I guess. Oh, and it would kill her to ask a question, or use the word please somewhere in it.

"I need something to drink." Or "I need a soda." Those are both supposed to be equal to "Can I get a drink please?" Along the way since we've been trying to teach them to ask for things instead of stating wants/needs it has changed to "I was going to ask if we can get a soda." Well, ask!!! That may sound picky to many people, but I swear that they don't understand that it's not a question unless you DO ask!

I know me. They wear me out. Once I've had enough and I either get quiet or I start responding and saying things to that effect my Daddy gets frustrated at all of us and wishes we'd just shut up. He's the give them whatever so they will shut up kind of guy in a lot of cases. That doesn't usually help make the point. No wonder they do what they do, right?! Just wear him down!

So basically I won't bring it up again. Lost cause for this summer. Maybe by next year she'll have a job or friends that she'd rather do something with and not be interested. We'd end up bringing a friend for Jabber, but that would be agreeable. At 13 you can have them jet off to the bigger rides because who wants to wait outside those lines anyway?! I just know that it won't be me bringing it back up again this summer. Sorry Daisy. You're three right now and won't know that you're missing this stuff at this point. We'll go to the hot air balloon fair, maybe the little local zoo again, sprinkler parks, a parade, and preschool events that are around locally. You'll have a busy and fun summer, I promise.


bsmommy said...

I so understand how you feel about Mystery and almost not wanting her there. I'm in that situation too and it stinks. Trying to be supportive, but it really eats at you.

bsmommy said...

I was wondering, can you just take a day off and just you and Daisy go?
During the week? B and I do this sometimes, when we need to do things "just us".

Mimi said...

Thanks for your input bsmommy. Yes, there are certainly days when Daisy and I just hit the road. Most of those times we go to Sparkle's house about an hour away! It feels sad to say, but I basically make sure that we won't be home until Honeyman is a lot of the time just so that I don't have to deal with the way that she (sometimes they) act when he's not home. Part of me is keeping a countdown until she turns 18, graduates or whatever it will be before she moves on from living here. Yuck!