Saturday, June 14, 2008

About Infertility and Infant Loss

Let's see how long this gets. I haven't said why I've been interested in those things and I guess I ought to give a little background.

You've seen the roster on the side, right? I have older kids and a very young kiddo by birth. The first two... piece of cake! Not planned and very pleasant and welcome surprises in my life! Then we have the 12+ years as a single parent, the beginning years of my relationship with Daddy, and turning 40! I sure knew that I wanted another baby, sure knew that I never wanted another EOW Daddy, and that I finally found the man for the job! LOL, not his only job (to make a baby!) but on the list of things for our lives together! At my 40th birthday he wasn't ready, but finally came around in the end of 2003. Since I wasn't sure if scarring in my tubes was going to be a problem by this age I didn't wait long before I went to an RE to get tested. Tick-tock and all, you know?

Clear tubes but High FSH. Old eggs. DE or forget about it. The dude was very blunt and not forthcoming with information, it really felt like he wanted to get me off his books fast. I found some message boards and tried a bunch of natural changes in diet and lifestyle and also a new RE that would help. Just before we were prepping for an IUI it happened all on it's own and I have my baby Daisy! FSH Fluctuates! Please remember that!

On to the next part. Infant loss is an old and new experience for me and I have had it happen around me vs to my physically. This year will be 20 years since a little guy (we'll call him T) that I cared for died of SIDS in my home. I'd cared for him since he was a couple months old and he and Glory were supposed to be able to start their growing years together. It was after a long weekend and he seemed to be having a particularly long nap. When I went in to wake him I found that he had probably been gone for quite some time, as there was no way on earth that he was breathing or alive. I will not go into details in public, just know that it was probably the single most frightening experience of my life to have lost him and been the one to discover this loss.

His parents were wonderful. They knew that it was beyond my control, NEVER blamed me and supported me through dealing with officials, the autopsy report, and we remained close in many ways until several years later when I moved too far away to be in touch often. When all of this happened Glory was still an infant herself and you can imagine that it was very hard to think about the possibility of an more loss. Part of me had the "lightning can't strike twice" thing going on in my head. Not realistic I know, but I had to think something. T's parents spiritual faith became something that I wanted for myself, although not being one to attend church I had to figure out where I was going to get that. Time and healing. Time doesn't heal but it changes where I am with it. Twenty years later there are things that surprise me and make T 'flash' into my mind. I know that he's with me forever.

About 6 years after T died of SIDS his mother and I both became aware of another SIDS death that happened in childcare. It turns out that we both had a connection to the parents but because our situation had been quite unique at the time there were folks at the hospital that remembered us. I got a phone call from a gal there asking if she could share my phone number with the caregiver and I said absolutely. It turns out that T's Mom and I went to the baby's funeral together and spent quite a bit of time with the Mom and the caregiver. That may have been as good for the two of us as it hopefully was for the other women. SIDS sucks.

Now the newer experience with loss is more recent. My Glory called to tell me right after the New Year that she got a BFP! OMGoodness! My baby is having a BABY! Hey, she's old enough and married, quite happy with so many choices that she's making since she's been on her own. One thing my girl knows how to do is to make a decision and follow through!

So we got pretty darn excited and it grew and it grew. She was tired, the girls were getting bigger right away and unlike me she had a bit of morning sickness. (Yes, I know I was lucky!) With me having gone through a pregnancy so recently it was kind of nice to be able to know what to expect with tests and things. Everything was going along fine in the beginning. At 11wks1d she went for an ultrasound and they showed that the baby measured at 9wks 2d. There was a great heartbeat at about 160 and nobody seemed concerned about the dates being off. I'm guessing they thought she didn't know her dates or cycle well enough.

At 13wks 5d she went for a regular Ob appt. and I didn't get a call from her within the first couple of hours of it. This was really unusual because she had even brought the cellphone in to the u/s with her and let me listen long-distance! When I called her phone GloryBe answered and when I asked him how he was he was he said that he's definitely had better days. They couldn't find the baby's heartbeat on a doppler and brought in an old office ultrasound machine. Still not finding anything. They set them up for the next day for an u/s at the high tech place. Boy, oh boy there was a lot of praying going on that night.

They confirmed that there was no heartbeat and told Glory that since she wanted to have a D&C to come in the next day and don't eat for whatever amount of time before. I can't tell you how disgusted I was that she went the next day (all end of the day appointments) and they said it was too late to do anything and she would have to go in 4 days from then because that's what they could schedule. The last u/s measurement showed 9 wks+, so tell me how long there had been 'fetal demise'? And you want to make her wait?!

So, she had the D&C and was told that she lost a lot of blood so to take it really easy. Within a week she was back at work although still not feeling right, and exactly one week after the procedure she ate something that wasn't right. Probably something that a co-worker brought in and shared but it's not certain. She said her fingers were numb and turning green. She ended up going to the ER two days later because she said she felt severely beaten and unable to walk, and the doc's office just kept giving her late day appointments and tests but not the test they said they were going to. She was admitted immediately and put on IV fluids after they found her temp of 103 and her heart rate at 159! Thank goodness someone was finally going to help my girl!

She had a second D&C late the following day and this time they got everything. She should have been discharged by the next morning since it's usually outpatient surgery but she still had her vitals going wild. The following day I guess they evened out enough because they sent her home. Now can you believe that the day after that she got a call that said that they got one more test result back, and she had salmonella poisoning?! Yes, meds took care of it but egads, there sure was more to it than you'd have thought.

So, I've never had a miscarriage that I know of (a couple of possible chemicals but never confirmed). This is the closest I come and please don't ever let this happen again. I have two local nieces that announced that they are pregnant and due about 6 & 9 weeks after my first grandbaby would have been here. I may even end up with childcare duties for one or both of the baby girls. Yes, shadowbabies.

So now you know why I visit your blogs with those topics. So many friggin' experiences, and hopefully enough new ones for awhile.

No comments: