Discovery: The dog and I have evolved.

This one has been coming to me in pieces. First, Glory and her hubby were here for the holidays and OH was our dog happy!!! He's missed the two older kids since they've moved away and that's to be expected, but it breaks my heart for him how things have evolved in the meantime.

We got him as a little pup from the SPCA. Charming was SO excited that we had our first dog that he instantly claimed responsibility for Barkley. He was the one that went to obedience training with us, took Barkley on walks/runs, let Barkley sleep IN his bed with him, made sure he was fed, let in and out and LOVED! Glory did pretty good with attention when Charming was on EOW visits with XI, (She stayed home to work mostly, that and her social life!) but we all knew that Barkley was Charming's dog even though he has always been our family dog! Charming moved out after 2 years and Glory handled the loving and a lot of the maintenance care for Barkley, just not the walks/runs. She moved out in two more years. It is now 2+ years since, and coming up on three. Everything changes with time.

Barkley was in heaven when everyone was here for the holidays! He didn't actually seem to irritate anyone during that time too, imagine that?!

I started thinking about the differences. Charming & Glory (Then) vs Mystery & Jabber (Now), and how Barkley is interacted with by each 'team'. Then Barkley had attention that included speaking to him kindly, petting him, caring for him and interacting with him of their own free will. Now Barkley gets let into the house without a word after Daddy or I holler to the kids that are downstairs on the same level that Barkley is (and that much closer to hear him barking outdoors?) to let him inside the house. Now when one of them speaks to him it is usually in very negative tones and only for the purpose of demanding something, directing something, or because it was absolutely necessary to interact with him for one reason or another.

If you don't need him, then why would you consider him? He's nothing but a pain in the butt that you have to bother yourself to get up and let him in when you could have been relaxing. Bother yourself to reach into the bag of food and get 3 cups of his food out and into his bowl, and then geezo-peezo he needs water too! Ugh! Oh, and the bowl apparently cleans itself because we don't know how to do it. There's a boot tray under the bowls to catch 'debris' and that gets moved when we are compelled to sweep and mop the floor weekly, but cleaning out the tray is something that we need to be directed to do every couple of weeks or so. So, maintenance is mandatory, but only when told to by the adults. Why would you do it otherwise?

Barkley doesn't come to YOU when he wants something because he knows (yes, has evolved and learned) that you will ignore him 98% of the time unless you are told by an adult to do the same thing that Barkley wanted you to do in the first place. Barkley isn't dumb! He'll come upstairs and drop his signals so that we will call to them (downstairs and closer) to do it! Sometimes Mystery forgets and thinks she's an adult. Yes, perfectly normal, but she gets reminded some of the time that she's not. Usually in the form of Daddy shouting HER name for maintenance for at least a week!

"Then" he was loved, got attention including addressed warmly and was physically healthy (plenty of exercise). "Now" he's ignored or groaned at, spoken to harshly and given one or two word directions, and getting very heavy and unhealthy because he gets so little exercise. One thing that I will say that I feel bad about is not walking him, but he wasn't trained well by Charming. Charming trained him to respond to him and Barkley doesn't even begin to go for walks the same with anyone else. He's horrible! Pulls and pulls, darts around and pulls, doesn't come to you when you let him have some slack and you need to call him back. And he's big! I'm sure he's at least my weight, and he has four legs on the ground to stand his ground against me! If he wants to go smell that hydrant then by gosh he's going to! That alone severely limits the efforts to take him for walks and he has to get his exercise running around our back yard.

I will add here that there have been periods when both Mystery and Jabber have allowed him to sleep in their beds with them. Mystery has a queen sized bed and got tired of kicking him off the bed because he'd just sneak back up. Jabber liked having him sleep with him until he found a tic in his bed one day. Please! Don't wash the dog, right?! Just kick him out of bed!

Every now and then Jabber gets ambitious about Barkley. Takes him for a walk while riding his skateboard, plays ball-on-a-rope pulling with him. It might last a couple hours one day it might last for a week that he keeps it up. Barkley is happy for a week.

I feel bad for our dog. If Charming had a place where he could have a dog we would let him have Barkley ONLY because Barkley would be so gosh darn happy and healthy too is my guess! It almost happened about 2 years ago and then fell through. We'd never get rid of him though and that's not what we were trying to do. I just wish that the people in our family would try to be nicer to him and treat him with kindness. Talk to him kindly, pet him, smile at him and let him know that he's loved and appreciated.

And then it hit me. They consider Barkley and I on the same level. Think about it.

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I need to find another word for useless!

You see, I'm trying not to use that one for Glory's hubby. It's what pops into my head all the time though! Ok, probably because Daddy uses that term when describing him and he really is spot-on!

The name I have for him in the left column index just isn't working for me! I have to say that I don't hate him and want him to vanish off the earth, but because Glory loves him fiercely I sure wish that he'd wake TF up and see that there is more to life if you actually DO something!

Just before Christmas Glory called to tell me that she's pregnant. This is her 2nd pregnancy and she's really nervous because her first ended in a miscarriage right after the beginning of her 2nd trimester. Very bad scene to say the least. (Had to have 2 D&C's and then also contracted salmonella!)

And her husband hasn't been employed since May. His family that is near them has basically shut them off because they wish he'd straighten his @$$ out too. He can't get a job because his SSN gets run and he needs to 'clear a few things up' about his previous job before anyone else will hire him. Read between the lines here and you'll know what I'm saying, ok?

They came to see me for Christmas. Having him in the hosue and seeing how useless he is on a daily basis is completely frustrating. One day I took them out and had him throwing a wrench into that even though we dropped him off while we went shopping. I'll mention that one of the days he went to visit a friends he left the cord to recharge the cellphone. The friend left to visit family several states away, locking the cord inside. Looking around we found several places that had the cord for $40. FORTY F dollars! Maybe that's not a lot but when you're on vacation, out of state, barely swung the $$ for the plane tickets... who TF needs to spend $40 on replacing something that you just should have been responsible about in the first place?!

And who gets to pay for it? Not his no-job-having @$$!

Now they are back 'home' where they've been living and looking into moving to another closer state. She gave her notice at her job and plans for a week of settling things for the move. I've suggested that she send her husband ahead so that he can begin job hunting and settle the dogs in. (They are sharing a housde with friends, so that's at least taken care of ahead!) Let him start standing up and taking some responsibility! I understand that she is beginning to feel that if she's not there that it won't get done, and that he NEEDS her to guide and prod him. That is SO not the way it's supposed to be though! Heck, she already has one baby, him!

So, can you think of another name for him that isn't 'that' mean? I love lists to choose from! HELP!!!!

Give me strength

Please. I am sleep deprived right now because I worked an all-nighter last night and then got home and had about 2 hours of sleep before Daisy woke me up. Work sucked because the gal that is the most senior in my section has decided not to speak to me. Hmmm... I'm trying to think if there's a possible connection to me opening my mouth and agreeing with another gal on my last night shift that the first one pisses and moans too much? That she's supposed to be teaching me but chooses when to listen and respond, repeats her boring-ass whines and then tells me that she didn't say "there" she said "here". Yah, right! She was a pain in my @$$ all night last night. Wanna' bet that when everything wasn't finished at the end of her shift she told them what I didn't finish?

That's not even the reason I need strength. Mystery has a friend that I'm introducing in the left column as a New Player. I may have mentioned her before but she now has an official blog name and we're going to call her Pixie. She's the new friend that Mystery can't live without so far this year. The same one that one of the teachers emailed me to say that she was moving seats around because of their social energy during class. Hey, it's high school and that can happen anywhere. Whatever. We have a tiny connection to this girl because she has a relative that is friends with Glory's hubby! LOL, that doesn't give anybody any extra points one way or the other, but an interesting side part of this. We do know the relative a little.

Well, Pixie and her mother were living with the relative, but have apparently been thrown out. They have a place to live in the next town over. Pixie will have to leave school if they stay there. Mystery asked Daddy if Pixie can come and stay with us during the week because her mother doesn't have a car to drive her back and forth to school. Daddy has apparently been actually considering this for a week or so, and today he forwarded Mystery's text message to my phone. Like he's fucking asking me. He did call and said that he would need to get information about how long this would be for. If it's just a couple/few days during a transition then that is something that he would not have a problem with.

You see, we have a precedence here. When Glory was a senior in high school her BFF's mother went out of own for a honeymoon and we let her stay the week. We've always had a standing rule of No Friend Overnights OnA Schoo Night. Mom came back and BFF wasn't getting comfortable with the new step around and she started sleeping in her car instead of going home. I found this out and told her that she needs to sleep here, which she did readily but she never showered or left clothes and we had to make her eat here now and then. LOL, she brought us food from her job very often and it wasn't like she was a charity case! She also provided Glory with transportation to school, dance and work about 90% of the time, which freed up MY car for me! Yahoo!! Hey, they were together 90% of the time anyway, we just let her sleep here.

So, in comparison. Glory had a BFF that slept here, drove her everywhere and probably freed up the phone lines a bit. Mystery would have her BFF that is 16, with no driver's license or transportation, no job and enough of a similar attitude in life to be Mystery's BFF into our home? Yes, we have been open to a 'sad story' before but we weren't adding another person to be responsible for. If the relative won't have them/her, then what makes Daddy think that we need to add that headache to our list of things to be responsible for?

He just doesn't know how to say no to Mystery sometimes. I told him that I don't think it's a good idea unless it's something like strictly for 2-3 days because the mother has a plan and just needs those days for a check to come in or a car to get registered or something. No plan-no kid, comprende? Heck, Mystery doesn't even have a bedroom of her own right now! Yes, it's almost finished and might be done by tomorrow if things go like they're planned, but there are a few "ifs" in there that having Pixie around for just might be the thing that we don't need.

Any last minute ideas on topics to raise with Daddy? My guess is that Pixie is coming home with Mystery today either way, and hoping to seal the deal. Any and all suggestions are welcome, even if you think we should adopt the kiddo!

I picked her name very well!

I'm talking about Mystery. She sure is one!

To update on her schoolwork this year it seems that she has truly flipped a switch somewhere. Her grades came out for mid-term progress reports and she's got all B's!! Yayyy! We know that she's entirely capable of these, but in the last two years it was a struggle to get her to bring home even one B! LOL, something tells me that TW may have promised to buy her a car or something if she keeps them up! I know that Daddy read her the riot act before school started and said that there are no second chances this year for screw-ups. Who knows what made the difference, but it's wonderful that she's finally succeeding!

Fast forward to this week. She had summer reading to do for english class and she has had the books long past their due date. She's been reminded of this and Daddy told her that she needs to 'handle that', which she's just plain forgotten. Heck I go to the library once or twice a week and it would have been easy enough to ask me to take them back for her, and she can pay her fines later but at least they wouldn't be accumulating. After I got home from the library this week I saw that she'd left her books out on the kitchen table. Well shoot, if I had been asked I would have taken them but how am I supposed to know they were there?

Daddy told her that she can't go anywhere with friends until she takes care of it. He reminded her that I go to the library each week and that her grandmother works right down the street from there and would probably do it for her if asked. Guess who she asked? My guess is that because she doesn't have to actually ask her grandmother (but can just tell her that she needs for it to be done) is why she asked her. Me? I like things in the form of a question, with the word please attached. Gee whiz, if she asked me to do something for her then that would just be the end of the world wouldn't it? It's much easier to go through Grandma, have her drive around to places that she wasn't going in the first place than to ask me.

Part of me is relieved when she doesn't ask me for things. She's been 16 since this spring and hasn't gotten her driver's permit yet. When she gets it she already knows that she won't be asked if she wants to drive with me in my car. I told her last spring that since she has decided not to have conversations with me or consider much of anything that I have to say that I'm not going to be the one to take her. Heck, I did the same thing with Charming when he was that age because he gave me attitude and after driving with me twice I refused after that. His father let him when he went with him and then he took the class, so that was about it. I had/have no sympathy!! Anyone else have teen stuff like this?! Fun, eh?!

I'm going to stop now because I need my day to go better. I have a medical test this morning that entails a 'clean out' ahead of time and was up many times last night. Time for a nap!

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Sending stuff to our house

Anyone else get this crap? Maybe it's one of my hang-ups from days gone by that I just need to get over?

Jabber came home from TW's house with a heat pad/massager for his bed. It looks like it's supposed to be for a large chair, but he's using it for his bed. That and he brought back the shorts that I sent with him that she bought for him and he's not wearing anymore this season. He has a lot of crap that he doesn't take care of and I know it's kind of a boy thing, but why should we be the one to have to deal with his excess? I can deal with the shorts because it's clothes and seasonal stuff just gets dealt with. This massager thing? If she wants to buy him stuff for her house then I don't have anything to say about that, but whoTF does she think she is supplying him with crap for our house? If we wanted him to have something like that doesn't she think we'd have gotten him one? I swear it's just her way of trying to be in control.

I know that I have a thing about this. When Charming and Glory were younger there was a 2+ year period when their father didn't pay support. He knew that I was living 'in the system' and because he 'had to struggle so much' he somehow decided that we didn't need it more than him. By a year into it we were accunulating quite a bit of debt because that's the only way that we were able to make up for it. He worked under the table because he could find work like that sporadically and he somehow made it work. (I know that Sparkle was actually taking care of the big stuff and he's SO lucky she loved him and covered for his ass!)

Along the way he started to send a couple small things to my house. It got so that he would send some food after awhile and it was shit that I didn't buy for my kids. The sugary cereals, donuts, chips and other junk food. Not that I never bought any of that, but it started to tick me off that he could send food but he couldn't pay his support and then I could handle my business at MY house. This was absolutely one of those ways that he tried to control things at my house. One day when he sent a box of food home with them I grabbed the box off the table, brought it downstairs and then opened the back of his car and put the box in it. I had told him (not just through the kids) that I didn't want him sending food to my house anymore. The whole thing blew up.

He followed me upstairs to the apartment, busted in through my closed back door and then threatened to kill me. There was a lot of shouting and him pushing against the door with me trying to close it. Yes, with my son right in the next room. I got a restraining order. I never thought he'd be physically dangerous before that, but I never would have thought he'd have done THAT, so who knows how much further he'd go?

Tell me please, are there things that your BM does to try to be controlling at your house? Am I nuts or should she keep this crap at HER house?

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If you don't like it then just go ask Daddy!

I should preface everything that I say to Jabber and Mystery with that phrase! Because I'm obviously never the final fucking word around here!

The boy needs help with organizing things. Partly because he's a boy and partly because of his ADHD. He has this fun little way of having a fucking answer for everything, even if there wasn't a damn question asked. If he said that's why he did "x" then it's justified. End of story.

Well, maybe it makes fucking sense to him, but that doesn't make it fucking right! It may also not be a big fucking deal, but when you add all the damn little things together then I just plain get screwed. I've tried telling Daddy that since he gets tired of having to come home and straighten things out then maybe if he'd give me a little bit of authority he wouldn't have to! Most of the time my crap is with Jabber just because Mystery doesn't give a crap and I've given up on so many things with her. If she wants to be an ignorant, selfish child and have every damn thing her way then she's going to fucking find out one of these days that it just ain't like that!

She can't get a job. Maybe because she doesn't like know like how to like speak english? Her nervous laugh and then follow up sarcasm probably doesn't impress any prospective employers either. Minimal effort is a typical teen thing and I realize that but when it comes time to MAKE an effort she doesn't even seem to realize what would it would look like to make one. When she isn't getting just what she wants here by simply stating that she has already planned it then she just runs off to MIL's house around the corner. This usually puts me on MIL's glare list and I don't get spoken to for over a month. Whatever. They can baby her all they want and take care of her ass for the rest of her life. I just can't wait until she gets the hell out of this house! I'm not really pissed at her today, but those are some things that are part of the package.

Jabber loses things all the time and forgets them or just plain assumes that someone else will cover his butt. He has more places to put things in his bedroom than anyone else in the house, but every time he has to put things away and he doesn't feel like doing it he makes up a new place for stuff. What is a dresser for? Clothes, right? Well, because he doesn't want to pay attention he has made his top drawer (which used to be for shirts, not underwear like most 'normal' people) into his junk drawer. I do understand a junk drawer, but that means stuff that doesn't have another place to go, right? In his case it's also a transition drawer for stuff that he just didn't feel like putting where it goes. This can include clothes.

One drawer for pants and shorts, one drawer for jammies and long-johns and one for socks, undies and UNDER shirts. Right? Last spring because he decided that he no longer wants to fold shirts he has been hanging ALL of his shirts in the closet, except for pajamas and UNDERS. Want to know why I'm doing that one in all caps? Because it is supposed to be the ones that are worn under! Damn, that was hard, right?! To him that just means the ones that are supposed to be worn under, but if he feels like being 'cool' then he'll wear them wherever. I'm sorry but I don't approve of wife-beater shirts being worn as public clothing. Between that and the pants hanging down your ass I just cringe every time I see them. You DO know that the pants thing started in jail, right? The convicts had to wear jail issue and since you can't wear them too small many had to wear them too big. Then they hang.
NOT something that I believe that ANY of our children should aspire to! Call me old fashioned! Even Charming knows that I will tell him to put a belt on or do something so that I don't have to look at his butt or his drawers. It's funny, but he listens to me when I say that too!

The things that's pissing me off today is that yesterday he decided to start screwing with things and put things where there is no order. If he could do it well then I wouldn't have as much of a problem with it, but it's just another means to escape doing anything without being half-assed. His stuff is thrown in new drawers and the entertainment center. Hey! How about getting some of the junk out of the junk drawer and into there so that you can put clothes in the drawer where they actually belong?! Ok, this isn't even what's pissing me off. Last night I told him that when he finished his daily job (which I had helped him with initially and then he had slacked off on and it could have been done 3 hours earlier instead of waiting until right before bedtime) I told him that it needs to be done the right way. He gets fucking paid to do this job and then he only fucking halfway does it, and expects to get paid?! After doing his job he needed to bring order back to his clothes in the drawers or I would be taking them out and putting some order to them myself, which would mean that he may NEVER find some of them again.

About 10 minutes later while I was putting Daisy to sleep he came upstairs and I heard him whispering to Daddy in our room. He brought some clothes up with him and I'll bet you $1,000,000 that he told his father that he didn't want to put his stuff in order like I asked him to.

Call me a control freak if you wanna', but when I told you something and you fucking run to Daddy to screw me over, then I'm pissed at YOU! Oh yes, Daddy gets it too. He fucking knows better than to think that this is an out of the blue thing with Jabber. Maybe it doesn't make a ton of sense on the choose your battle scale of things, but if I could get some fucking backup on some of the smaller stuff then there wouldn't be as many fucking battles. Just call me tired today. Tired of feeling that they are sponges and all I get is the wrung out nasty stuff that is left in a puddle when you wring it out.

I have to move on to other things today. Guess what I'm doing? I'm in a cleaning mood and I'm going to clean the crap out of some parts of this house! Ha! Daddy will know what that means when he gets home, but my guess is that he won't ask until way later! When he's looking for his stuff!

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I have to say too that I don't always cuss that much, or I make it look like I would cuss but try to be a little polite with stars instead of some of the letters. I also have other online communities that I'm a part of. I have a private blog for my family. It's mostly the pretty one. Cute or embarrassing photos of family members are posted there along with the basic updates of things going on. Not real big on the colorful, actual commentary there because it's family that I might not share all of the information with, kwim?

So I come here. They don't know about this blog. Nobody who knows me does and I kind of like it that way because then I can vent like this when I need to. I am part of a message board that are women from a specific topic area and it's private and we all talk about everything there. Well, some things I just don't bring up there too much anymore because they have no clue about step family stuff. In their beautiful world with their beautiful husbands and their beautiful children who sidestep from time to time my stuff about wanting to call the cops on Mystery gets met with complete disbelief and poor you responses. Go to counseling. Screw that! I want someone that reads to tell me that she sure did sound like she was out of line, being a bitch or whatever was the case at the time.

How about the rest of you? I mean the four of you that come by here more than once? Do others know that you blog? Read your stuff? Are they IRL folks or online pals that know you from another group? Ever get an itch to reveal youself?

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Time flies

Sheesh, I didn't even realize that it's been this long since I posted here, bu I guess so! I'm going for an interview tomorrow for a job that seems kind of mindless and I'll take it if it's what I can get but I'm not sure how long I'd last there. I'm qualified to work with small children and have done that for many years, staying home now with Daisy since the whole pregnancy was high risk due to Advanced Maternal Age. Ha! I didn't feel old until near the end of my pregnancy!

Since I got Daisy set up at a local daycare she has been going a couple days a week to get in the rhythm and so that I can schedule interviews. The interview that I have tomorrow morning is not in my field, but I got an interview quickly just based on my resume information and cover letter. I need to generate an income, heck at least to pay for Daisy's daycare!

She likes it so far and I actually found out that they have openings there which I'm qualified for! When I drop her off in the classroom I've been getting a rush, seeing activities and things that just bring me back in time! I revamped my resume and printed it out so that I can bring it in today and set up an interview with them. Something tells me that I'd like working there more than the last place that I worked and it would be really great to be on-site with her.

Ther other kids here are doing okay too. Mystery is somehow not so bad to live with right now. We're working on remodeling her room so she's in a bit of limbo, sleeping in Jabber's old room since we demo'd hers. She been tolerable as far as attitude and not being the worst role model, as well as actually making some effort in school so far. I love that the school uses an online system for showing us their grades and we can keep an eye on things there!

Jabber apparently didn't make a lot of effort on a reading test and has been put into a special program again. Last year they did this to him and because he was starting out with ADHD meds we refused the services and had him put back into his regular schedule. This wasn't a mistake because he made the honor roll more times than not last year and has shown that he is completely capable of doing the work. Surely he just didn't make an effort on the one test! It turns out that this year the program that they put him in is right in his same classroom, just in another section of the room. As soon as he brings up his scores he can 'test out' and back with the regular class. After meeting with the VP and talking to the special teacher we've decided to leave him in it and tell him that it's entirely up to him to show that he's capable, otherwise he probably isn't.

And then there's Glory. My dear Glory living across the country with her hubby (I still need a different name for him!). He's not working, got to get some things cleared, and then he needs to growTF up! Apparently he spent the night in the ER last week getting aout 8 or 9 stitches because he was wrestling around with a friend and got a gash on his forehead. Was alcohol involved? you bet! Ugh! Glory talks about trying to move from where they are and he refuses. His family is there (basically his mother, and then two siblings followed later) and these are the same people that turn their backs when things are tough for Glory and him. I guess you could say that I have a grudge about Glory's MIL saying that she couldn't give her rides to the Doc in between D&C's. Trying to lay down some tough love doesn't really work when you're aiming it at my baby girl and it's your son that you're pissed at!

Daddy and I talk between ourselves and it really seems that we're just waiting for the expiration date for Glory. That she'll end up back here and be defeated, probably pregnant. Please don't think that's what we want to think, but she just doesn't give up and will stick with things for as long as it can go. She's called and been feeling down, sad or overwhelmed but usually on the very next call she is willing to get right back on the horse and see that there are options. I just wish that he wasn't the biggest part of her options.

Lastly today I'll tell you that I have a birthday coming up on Thursday. I will be 47, which is a bit of a milestone for me because my Mom was 47 years old when she was diagnosed with the breast cancer that she died from at age 51. It sort of feels like I'll be living on borrowed time? Yes, I do get my yearly mammograms too. I think it's been 18 years now with only 2 years off because of pregnancy and nursing. If you get a chance to come by and say Hi on Thursday that would be nice to see!

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It's that tone

The tone that drives me nuts. The tone that they don't speak to me in, but I get to listen to them speak to just about everyone else with. It's not just a teen thing because they've been perfecting this one for years. Years before I came on the scene. Trust me!


First of all you have to hear it. Picture one word. Daddy. Now take that word and put a whine on it. Now take that word (and whine) and add a WhyTF are you bothering me tone that makes it into a question. Now hear that just about every time Mystery is approached by her father last night. Jabber doesn't do it often (thank godness), but he does know how.

Daddy says "Here Mystery, make sure that you come over here and wash the grease off the stove where it splattered."

We hear "Daddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and then "I didn't do over there yet!" Whatever! We've BTDT and know what we're talking about! It wouldn't be the first time! Oh, and along with the WhyTF part comes a stop bothering me part to it that is either implied by tone or sometimes actually spoken out loud.

But doesn't that sound just piss you off to have to hear it? It does for me! When you think about it I can tell you for a certainty that she knows not to speak to ME in that voice because not only will I call her on it, but if I have to tell on her I will! Most of all just calling her on it works by now, but trust me that in the first couple of years she felt that she could speak to me in any way she wanted to. So why does she speak to other people like that? Because they LET her!

My guess is that most of them don't care. Or care enough. I can tell you that Daddy and his family (MIL, SIL) don't feel like bothering with redirecting. In my opinion they are all doing a great disservice to anyone in earshot and also to the child who learns that this form of communicating is acceptable and normal. This girl speaks like the world owes her something most of the time. And she wonders why she can't get a job!

Tell me please. Is it just me that thinks that this is nuts? That raising children who speak their mind without consideration for others is not doing them any favors? All about me. Ugh!

I've already raised a couple of kids and it didn't kill them that I didn't allow this form of expression. I guess it concerns me more because besides it being totally irritating to have to listen to, I have a young child here. One that copies from her siblings and believes that they are examples for her. It's funny but Daddy often shows that he has similar expectations of her that I do, but he doesn't have the same for Mystery and Jabber. Ugh! Like he already gave up on them?
Talk to me?

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Just Charming

My son is just that. It was not hard at all to find a name for him when I started this blog, not hard at all!

Daisy and I saw him last week for only a few minutes while he was at work. He lives almost an hour away from us and hasn't come to our house since last spring, so when we're in town we say hello even if it's only a hit and run kind of thing. When you've only got a couple of minutes part of me says that you really try to make the best of them, couldn't you?

Ok, maybe I'm a little jealous. He told me that he spent time at XI's family summer place over Labor Day weekend. That's not a surprise because he's been doing that most of his life. I do get one holiday by the way and that's Christmas Eve. Without fail he has been here even since he has grown and left the next. (When they were growing up he and Glory spent one year with XI and Sparkle in CE but we vowed never to do that again because it was just so unusual. That and those two split up!) Anyway, sometimes it sort of sucks to not be considered for a holiday.

What ticks me off though is that XI's other kid was there with his family from out of state. Remember the kid that is only a couple months younger than Glory and also related to them on that same side of the family. His mother - the bitch that screwed my husband and then when she had her kid and I tried to figure out how to have an extended family with - asked Charming how his sister Daisy and I are doing. Dumbass Charming says that we're doing fine and then gave them the generic update.

When he told me this I grimaced and he got that WTF look on his face. Then he said that I should be giving her credit for making an effort at being nice. This was where I got the WTF look on my face! I just wish like hell that he'd understand that she could give a rat's ass about me and his sister, but she is making an effort to communicate with him. And show care and concern? Yeah, right! She probably knows that he doesn't know any better and that the only reason to mention us is that she has no clue about anything in his life.

I despise very few people in my life and it's not like this is a forgiving thing. It's more like you are so stupid and selfish and the last thing that I want to do is feed into your life in any way, shape or form. Don't fucking use me to get to my kid! IF she and I were to ever cross paths again there is no chance on the planet that I would share any information with her except maybe that I've wondered if she's still as big of a bitch as she was back then!

I just felt like beefing about that one. Let's see if there's anything better to write about soon! I don't really like thinking about that crap!

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When it all happens in a short time!

Geez I hate when I don't have the brain power or energy to update and get behind! Let' see how much of this I can squeeze in and process as competent thoughts! I guess a list might help and is worth a try.

1. Top of the list has to be that I went to the neurologist and he put me on BP medication. I woke up the first day and the fucking buzzing isn't going on in my head! Yeah, I don't usually spell that word out without a star or something in it, but this calls for the real deal! He said that I probably never had TMJ or sinus infections, but have definitely got a migraine thing going on and it seems to be at it's peak because of my age and hormones. The buzzing thing isn't really buzzing, but a fuzzy vision and probably a light-headed, disoriented feeling that I've had for 2 years! Two frikkin years ago I went in to get checked for it and they sent me to the eye Doc and said that I was fine except that for the pre-glaucoma stuff. But that's still in the "pre" stage. How bad would that tick you off that you've been telling people for 2 frikkin years and this one itty-bitty, tiny pill takes away that? Now I'm just hoping that it's not a honeymoon stage with the meds and it will go away again!
2. School started for the 2 kiddos here. Yes, that means that Mystery is back here after spending the summer with TW. It was nice while it lasted. Daisy is in 7th heaven to have her sister here and someone else to hang out with. Her fingernails are now being polished on a daily basis! The downside is that we're seeing a bit of an attitude in our 3 year old. (Wonder where she's learning that?!) Exactly what I've been afraid of, but it's not going un-noticed and even Daddy sees some of it and is addressing it. Funny thing is that he also addresses it with Mystery and not just Daisy, but Mystery never got called on some of this stuff before! Yeah for having taken a break and realizing what you don't miss and overlooked before!
3. Jabber's moved in to his new bedroom! He's downstairs now and not up here bouncing around, keeping Daisy all excited and impossible to get to sleep! He was very excited to come home from TW's and find that we had basically moved him in while he was gone. There are 2 small things that need finishing touches in the room, but they're almost un-noticable so he could really care less!
4. The new baby that was born a 30 week premie was released from the hospital last week when she made it up to 4 pounds! She is the tiniest thing, but with no medical concerns for health problems because of her prematurity. I've heard that as far as premie statistics go she's in the highest category for success by her gender and race, and that is surely an advantage here! The shower for her and the other new baby girl that is due at the end of October is coming up and my ILs that are involved in the planning of this are waiting for everything to be done last minute. "Oh Mimi, can you make 'these' on the computer for the shower?" Well sh*t, what can't I make for them on the computer? It's just some graphics on labels! Of course I have no materials to work with at this point and they've been asking me about it for over 2 months, but I'm sure they'll want me to pull it out of my ass at the last minute! LOL, that and bake or cook something!
5. Glory update. Her EDD passed last week and we spoke on the phone a couple of times that day. She sang Happy Birthday and sounds wistful about trying to get pregnant again. I'm crossing my fingers that she and her hubby (I'm going to have to think of another name for him because Glory-Be doesn't feel like it's cutting it!) have to have a few more of their ducks lined up before they try again. So many things might not have had to be as hard as they were when she had her miscarriage if they'd been more 'set'. (Like in jobs, where rent is coming from, etc.!)
6. Oh, Glory gets two numbers here. She also called me and told me that the camera that I sent to her got stolen. They were out of town, partying with 'friends' and the only possibility here is that one of them stole it out of the console of the car when she and her DH ran in a store. WhoTF hangs out with people that steal from you?!! Part of the ducks in a row thing is about not hanging out with these kind of people! I know that my Glory isn't perfect but these are not people that she finds, her husband does. I never wanted to be one of those MIL's, but this kind of crap could bring me to it.
7. It's been 20 years this week since the SIDS baby "T" died. Daisy and I went and got some flowers and brought them to the cemetery. I haven't talked to T's Mom in many years because I moved almost an hour away and I'd love to be able to but not sure if she would be at this point. Remembering back to when he died I know that she said that they buried him there because there were people that would remember him and I want to make sure that she somehow knows that I'm still among them.
8. I saw Charming for a couple minutes after going to the cemetery. This one's going to get a whole post of it's own as soon as I get to it because I just looked back and can't seem to find some information that I thought I've shared here before. I'll get back to you later on this!
9. That's enough for now! I actually have to get my butt up from sitting today and do some running around! I'll be back though!

PS. dragonmctt, thanks for the comment recently on the old ADHD post! I'm going to be goo.gling and then maybe shoot you an email to see if you have more info or links to share! It sounds like our guy in most every way that you listed!

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Not that I think

"all that" of myself here, but I figured that just in case anyone pokes their head in here trying to see where I am I'd leave a note here!

My lovely laptop is fritzing out on me, again. It seems that there's a problem with the graphics card or just with the screen, but the last time I got it fixed this is what I had going on. I don't think it's misbehaved when the tech got a hold of it though (thought that then too) so now it's just tired and misbehaving again.

I took it with me for the weekend and this one was very busy. I took Daisy and went to visit family with young kiddos and she had a blast! We also went into the city and met with an internet friend of mine that I haven't met before. I've known this gal for 4+ years online and we chat by phone a lot too. There's a lot more to our friendship than that, but I'm not trying to make this a long post.

While we were out of town a close local relative had her baby prematurely at 30 weeks. Her DD is the tiniest little munchkin, but she's fine and just needs to grow. She weighed just under 3 lbs at birth and had enough time for the steroid shots to help mature her lungs to do their job so she is not having any extraordinary struggles. I'm the lucky one with the coolest camera to take photos and movies so I've been summoned to the hospital for special events like bath, weight checks, etc. It will be several weeks before she is able to leave but she is doing very well, and her Mom is too!

Glory called yesterday and is asking for help to come home for a visit. She needs $$ now for a ticket but by the time she gets here she'd be able to pay me back. It turns out that she can't come for a minimum of 2 weeks because of her job and that if she left now she'd be forfeiting almost $2,000 in commissions for this past month, so that's just too much $ to walk away from. It seems that she needs a break from being the responsible person and she'd like Glory-Be to get a little wake-up call while she's gone. Let's just say he needs a job and leave it at that for now.

So, I'm not sure when I'll be checking in and out here. I'm am SO going to miss being able to go and read all of the rest of y'alls blogs in the meantime. Please feel free to leave me a comment or email if you blogged something that is SO up my alley that I have to read it first! I'm using the kid's computer right now and Jabber is a little uptight about this, and the darn thing is so slow that it takes me forever anyway to process anything here. So, hopefully there will be some magical occurence in the next day or so and I don't get too far behind. If you don't see me posting then I fell into that black hole of computer doom, and am trying to crawl my way back up.

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Do you say I love you?

When Daddy and I 'merged' here we weren't married yet. I came with Charming and Glory, both in high school and Daddy came with Mystery and Jabber in elementary school. All together under one happy little roof.

I remember Jabber asking me if he should/could call me Mom and I told him that I knew that he has a mother and that he didn't have to call me that. Part of me wishes I'd given him more of a chance to then, but I also knew that Mystery was all ready to tell him that they HAVE a mother and not only was I not it, but that she wouldn't be happy.

I knew that I did it on purpose, but it didn't hit me until maybe two years later that I should have tried to figure something out about saying "I love you" to my kids. Any of them, all of them. I know that I purposely didn't keep saying it to my own kids because I didn't want the other two to feel pressure to respond in kind or to feel left out. Glory hit me with it one day when she was having a meltdown, and told me that I used to say it ALL the time and she really missed that. That it had made her feel a little replaced by Daddy and maybe also the other kids, since they also got my attention.

I felt so horrible when she said that, you can only imagine. I sure didn't mean to lessen my own kids, and I could see what she was saying though. That's one of few things in life that I'd like a real do-over, kwim? I'm not entirely sure how I would have navigated, but I wish I had been more aware and made a different effort.

We're back to saying it now. ALL the time when on the phone with Glory and Charming. All the time with Daisy and Jabber, and Mystery just isn't here or in the room or in a sentence long enough - so I'll admit that she doesn't hear it from me. I'm still working on that one in my head, and trying not to give up bit it feels like I have and have to. I keep holding out that there's still a chance with Jabber, so I'm not giving up and I know that when he comes home from TWrecks lately he does feel loved here, that we want him here. I'm going to post another ADHD type post soon and it won't sound completely like that but it's just that everything isn't cut and dry.

So, do you say it to your step-kids? Do you say it to your bios?

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I don't always like to be right

But I am/was. Charming and his buddy didn't answer the phone when I called, and I left a message or two. My SIL got my voicemail and called me back in the morning. When I told her that Charming said that he was coming and bringing his friend she told me how relieved she was to hear this. That she had actual tears in her eyes because she has been so stressed out about trying to make this move happen with minimal help. It turns out one of my adult cousins said that he would help, so there's another set of muscles. Yayyy! Now we had to actually check in with Charming and I told her that I would work on it on my end. They were going to the closing on the new place and would be back and ready to get moving around noon. I finally got tired of dead ends and called Charming's former gf (recently broke up but not separate living yet) and asked if she knew when he left. Oh!! He's right here, hang on and I'll knock on his door!

Charming with an excuse. It took him about 10 minutes to reach his buddy on the cellphone and call me to say that his buddy has food poisoning and will not be able to drive him out there. He's not going to make it.

ALL CAPS ISN'T ENOUGH RIGHT HERE. Bold isn't enough right here (with or without italics), nor is changing font size. Strangulation? That's where I wanted to go, or at least convey that desire to him.

Why would you say that you're going to do something that it sounds like you have no intention of doing? I swear I saw the signs. On his way to a party, not wanting to solidify the plans and have everything in place... OMG he is SO like XI. Ok, there is probably a good number of young men on the planet like this, but you kind of hope that there are more that are not?

Charming said things that made it sound like he was making an effort to try to find another way to get out there, without his buddy. He'd start to have a possible 'thing' set up and then it fell through. I truly believe that he set them up to fail. Hey, if you don't want to help you don't have to help - but don't say you will! Don't let other people count on you and then leave them hanging. In the meantime here I called around and got my cousin's cellphone number to see if he'd left or if Charming could ride out with him. He was already there. I was a little relieved that he said that they'd be ok and that there really wasn't that much to move. That my SIL was stressed but that there was really not going to be that much to it. They were leaving their old house as a furnished rental, so no major appliances or much big furniture to move. Piece of cake, he says. I know my cousin enough to know that physical labor is not a problem for him or my brother and they will be fine even if SIL is still a bit stressed for a bit.

But Charming... geez, I didn't think I raised him to pull this crap. I'm surely not nuts thinking that this is SO like his father. Can't make a decision to save his life (have I said that before?!!) and says that he'll come through with some things that are 'good guy' things but often leave people disappointed and ticked that he comes up with such lame excuses. Do they think that by saying yes to the good guy stuff that it gets them brownie points? You don't actually get the points unless you come through with the deed, right?! It's WORSE if you leave people hanging. Charm isn't always the key.

Jabber is my shining light this week! Yes, I'm switching gears here! He called yesterday to gab (by my request at the football camp and Daddy trying to make him feel guilty about not doing that) with Daisy and I. I let him talk to her first and it was short and sweet. She told him about MIL's puppy's adventures of the day, she wants him to come home and that she was watching Batman with Daddy! I got my turn next and told him about doing the lawnmowing job next door and he is happy to hear about that. Within a couple minutes he was talking about his potential earnings and adding his money from household chores here... I'm not going to be surprised if he has projected spending for the rest of the summer all set! Ah to be 12!

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I wonder if I'm turning into one of 'those people". Ones that have to complain and find something wrong. Geez, if I am then I surely come by it honestly (if you've met my father you'd know what I'm talking about) but who in the heck wants to go there? Ok, let's not start out talking about this. I'm saving it for the end.

Let's talk about Jabber! After not seeing him for 5 days while they are gone to TWreck's apartment Daddy, Daisy and I went to watch him for a little while at his football camp. On artificial turf, under the lights, with his own equipment that looks like it makes him feel like now he's committed to this sport and not just having pads and all 'on loan' for a season!

You could see it on his face that he was happy to see us! I'm sure it was twofold with one being that we were there supporting him in what he loves. The other is that I think he just plain missed us. Hey, me too!!! Not just Daddy and Daisy! Oh, and I'm reliable to bring my camera! I know that he loves that I take pictures everywhere of just about everything. Recording our lives. I have a couple of shots that I'm going to send to him online today, and they'll be up on the social network within an hour of my sending to him most likely! Yep, that's our Jabber!

Ok, here's the other one... Charming called last night when he was on his way to a party with his best friend. He asked for driving directions or a different phone number for my youngest brother and his wife. They had asked him to help them move their household into their brand new home and they live a couple of hours away from here, so it would be a trip to do this. They also told him that they would absolutely make it worth his while. He told me that he and his friend were heading out there the next day, and he just needed to know how to get there. He also didn't want to wait and have me call my SIL and have her call him back with the directions and last minute info, but said to leave a message on his friend's cellphone (his is shut off right now).

I have a bad feeling about this. I called my brother and SIL on their phones and left messages with phone numbers. It feels like Charming is going to be a charming dude with an excuse.

So, I don't want to be one of those people that looks for things to be wrong or disagreeable. That there has to be hardship or at least a PITA. I hate that I can just 'smell this one in the air' and it doesn't smell good. Please tell me that this doesn't make ma a cup half full person?

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The Funk

Yesterday I went into the basement to move over a load of laundry and the rug was wet in front of the washer and went almost into the other room, but I could see a good 25 feet of floor space that had gotten 'hit' for about a 5 ft spread. I thought our machine 'exploded' and called Daddy down to help investigate.

Then there was the smell.

We checked to see if it was the toilet pipes. Thank goodness no. So, we began pulling up the rugs and hauling them outdoors, in the rain. Daddy got the shop-vac and started getting up the water and I was outdoors moving the rugs when the neighbor came out and asked if my cellar was flooded too. We live with a gully in our back yard, so you'd never think of getting water in the basement... too high to come up to our houses!

It turns out that the street drains had backed up. The nasty stuff. It had flooded their front yard and then 'exploded' down into the gully. They had a couple of inches of water in the basement and it drained a lot out when they merely opened the door down there. Yuck! It eroded away about a 2ft by 2ft trail of the soil beside the retaining wall and also came over and hit our driveway before it 'hit' the hill.

So, I finished getting the shop-vac out of the basement, pulled out another rug that we hadn't been sure of and rinsed everything out. The funk is still funky.

I talked to Sparkle for a minute tonight. Lolli's adenoid and tonsil removal went fine and they got home in the early afternoon. I was surprised that Ceecee didn't want to chat a little because I haven't seen her in over a month or so and I haven't heard if she and Glory have been calling each other. My guess is not, but she's going to be excited to find out that Glory and GloryBe are trying to plan to come out here for almost two weeks in the beginning of August. I know that I'll surely see more of her then!

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I didn't see that coming.

Today I went onto our private family blog and there was a post by Glory. Her first post ever and she tells us that she and GloryBe have been having a hard time. This isn't really a surprise because when he took a trip back here recently he missed his plane when it was time for him to go back. Two (or was it three?) days later he finally flew out. In the meantime he didn't call his employer, so there went that job. One of the hardest parts for Glory was that he didn't miss the plane because of something that couldn't be helped. He just p*ssed away the time and didn't get a move on when it was time to.

She's many, many states away. When they moved a year and a half ago it had a lot to do with him having made the decision for himself and her going with him. They married after being there for about 8 months, and his family is the only family that she has there. Family that decided that when she miscarried and had the health problems that followed that he should take care of his wife and be responsible for everything that she needed and that they would step back and not cover for him. Four days in the hospital and I don't remember exactly how much contact there was, but it was minimal. If I remember right there was only one or two phone calls to him to ask about her while she was there, but only her SIL called her.

So she moved with him, she left her family behind, and when he took his vacation time to come here he couldn't make it back to her because he was more interested in hanging out with cousins and friends here? Shoot, move back.

So, I'm not surprised to hear that they've had to work through things. Who wouldn't? What surprised me was that she posted this there for our other family members to be a part of. I had called her near the end of last week and asked if she was pregnant again, because she hasn't been calling as much lately. She said right after her miscarriage that she didn't think she'd want to tell everyone that she was pregnant next time until she knew she was going to stay pregnant, and I wondered if she knew that it would be too hard not to tell me and that's why she's called less often or for very short calls. She's not pregnant, and this was basically why she hasn't called. Geez! I just want to hug the stuffing out of her and help her, but I'm also proud of her that she is trying to deal with things by herself. Yes, she really is growing up right?

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About Infertility and Infant Loss

Let's see how long this gets. I haven't said why I've been interested in those things and I guess I ought to give a little background.

You've seen the roster on the side, right? I have older kids and a very young kiddo by birth. The first two... piece of cake! Not planned and very pleasant and welcome surprises in my life! Then we have the 12+ years as a single parent, the beginning years of my relationship with Daddy, and turning 40! I sure knew that I wanted another baby, sure knew that I never wanted another EOW Daddy, and that I finally found the man for the job! LOL, not his only job (to make a baby!) but on the list of things for our lives together! At my 40th birthday he wasn't ready, but finally came around in the end of 2003. Since I wasn't sure if scarring in my tubes was going to be a problem by this age I didn't wait long before I went to an RE to get tested. Tick-tock and all, you know?

Clear tubes but High FSH. Old eggs. DE or forget about it. The dude was very blunt and not forthcoming with information, it really felt like he wanted to get me off his books fast. I found some message boards and tried a bunch of natural changes in diet and lifestyle and also a new RE that would help. Just before we were prepping for an IUI it happened all on it's own and I have my baby Daisy! FSH Fluctuates! Please remember that!

On to the next part. Infant loss is an old and new experience for me and I have had it happen around me vs to my physically. This year will be 20 years since a little guy (we'll call him T) that I cared for died of SIDS in my home. I'd cared for him since he was a couple months old and he and Glory were supposed to be able to start their growing years together. It was after a long weekend and he seemed to be having a particularly long nap. When I went in to wake him I found that he had probably been gone for quite some time, as there was no way on earth that he was breathing or alive. I will not go into details in public, just know that it was probably the single most frightening experience of my life to have lost him and been the one to discover this loss.

His parents were wonderful. They knew that it was beyond my control, NEVER blamed me and supported me through dealing with officials, the autopsy report, and we remained close in many ways until several years later when I moved too far away to be in touch often. When all of this happened Glory was still an infant herself and you can imagine that it was very hard to think about the possibility of an more loss. Part of me had the "lightning can't strike twice" thing going on in my head. Not realistic I know, but I had to think something. T's parents spiritual faith became something that I wanted for myself, although not being one to attend church I had to figure out where I was going to get that. Time and healing. Time doesn't heal but it changes where I am with it. Twenty years later there are things that surprise me and make T 'flash' into my mind. I know that he's with me forever.

About 6 years after T died of SIDS his mother and I both became aware of another SIDS death that happened in childcare. It turns out that we both had a connection to the parents but because our situation had been quite unique at the time there were folks at the hospital that remembered us. I got a phone call from a gal there asking if she could share my phone number with the caregiver and I said absolutely. It turns out that T's Mom and I went to the baby's funeral together and spent quite a bit of time with the Mom and the caregiver. That may have been as good for the two of us as it hopefully was for the other women. SIDS sucks.

Now the newer experience with loss is more recent. My Glory called to tell me right after the New Year that she got a BFP! OMGoodness! My baby is having a BABY! Hey, she's old enough and married, quite happy with so many choices that she's making since she's been on her own. One thing my girl knows how to do is to make a decision and follow through!

So we got pretty darn excited and it grew and it grew. She was tired, the girls were getting bigger right away and unlike me she had a bit of morning sickness. (Yes, I know I was lucky!) With me having gone through a pregnancy so recently it was kind of nice to be able to know what to expect with tests and things. Everything was going along fine in the beginning. At 11wks1d she went for an ultrasound and they showed that the baby measured at 9wks 2d. There was a great heartbeat at about 160 and nobody seemed concerned about the dates being off. I'm guessing they thought she didn't know her dates or cycle well enough.

At 13wks 5d she went for a regular Ob appt. and I didn't get a call from her within the first couple of hours of it. This was really unusual because she had even brought the cellphone in to the u/s with her and let me listen long-distance! When I called her phone GloryBe answered and when I asked him how he was he was he said that he's definitely had better days. They couldn't find the baby's heartbeat on a doppler and brought in an old office ultrasound machine. Still not finding anything. They set them up for the next day for an u/s at the high tech place. Boy, oh boy there was a lot of praying going on that night.

They confirmed that there was no heartbeat and told Glory that since she wanted to have a D&C to come in the next day and don't eat for whatever amount of time before. I can't tell you how disgusted I was that she went the next day (all end of the day appointments) and they said it was too late to do anything and she would have to go in 4 days from then because that's what they could schedule. The last u/s measurement showed 9 wks+, so tell me how long there had been 'fetal demise'? And you want to make her wait?!

So, she had the D&C and was told that she lost a lot of blood so to take it really easy. Within a week she was back at work although still not feeling right, and exactly one week after the procedure she ate something that wasn't right. Probably something that a co-worker brought in and shared but it's not certain. She said her fingers were numb and turning green. She ended up going to the ER two days later because she said she felt severely beaten and unable to walk, and the doc's office just kept giving her late day appointments and tests but not the test they said they were going to. She was admitted immediately and put on IV fluids after they found her temp of 103 and her heart rate at 159! Thank goodness someone was finally going to help my girl!

She had a second D&C late the following day and this time they got everything. She should have been discharged by the next morning since it's usually outpatient surgery but she still had her vitals going wild. The following day I guess they evened out enough because they sent her home. Now can you believe that the day after that she got a call that said that they got one more test result back, and she had salmonella poisoning?! Yes, meds took care of it but egads, there sure was more to it than you'd have thought.

So, I've never had a miscarriage that I know of (a couple of possible chemicals but never confirmed). This is the closest I come and please don't ever let this happen again. I have two local nieces that announced that they are pregnant and due about 6 & 9 weeks after my first grandbaby would have been here. I may even end up with childcare duties for one or both of the baby girls. Yes, shadowbabies.

So now you know why I visit your blogs with those topics. So many friggin' experiences, and hopefully enough new ones for awhile.

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